The Urinalysis Machine

The Urinalysis Machine

  One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.” “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.” So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer....
Prenuptial Agreement.

Prenuptial Agreement.

  A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. “I’ll only marry you under three conditions.” she said. “Anything, anything,” said the ambassador. “First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.” Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, “Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!” The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation. “Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.” The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, “Yes, yes, I build, I build!” The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. “Finally,” she said. “I’ll only marry you, if you have a 10 inch tool.” A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language...
Girls Night OUT!!

Girls Night OUT!!

  The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margarita’s went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh poo.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and...
40th Wedding Anniversary

40th Wedding Anniversary

  William and Mildred decided to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. William went to the front desk to check them in while Mildred stayed with the car. As he was leaving the lobby, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt introduced herself as Candie. William brushed her off. When William and Mildred got to their room, he told her that he’d been approached by a prostitute. “I don’t believe you,” laughed Mildred. “I’ll prove it,” said William. He called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us.” Soon, there was a knock on the door. Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. “So, I see you’re interested after all,” she said. William asked, “How much do you charge?” “$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.” William was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.” Candie laughed. “You must really be an old-timer if you think you can buy sex for that price.” “Well,” said William, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.” After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. “I just can’t believe it.” William said, “Let’s go have a drink and forget it. ” Back downstairs at the bar, the old couple sipped their cocktails. Candie came up behind William, pointed at Mildred, and said, “See what you get for...
Forget about it

Forget about it

  An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?” “Nonsense,” says the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream.” “Well,” says the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it.” “My memory’s not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down.” He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where’s the toast I asked...